I’m on the other side of the discomfort and therefore can actually write about it now.
Around the first of January, I started feeling there was an energy change occurring within me. This wasn’t surprising with all the upheaval happening in the United States in January, especially in Minneapolis. When February came, I was still in this state of flux. Something was moving around, changing, upheaval and it was uncomfortable at times. The feelings that I get sometimes is agitation, lots of thoughts coming through my mind, uncomfortable in my body, and an overall feeling of being “off. The thoughts range from what is currently happening in the world to experiences that I’ve had in my lifetime and all of them going in a loop. I guide them at times to slow down and release, other times they just run wild. I think of the thoughts in terms of a bunch of three-year-olds being unsupervised and they are creating all types of chaos. I am the “adult” and in charge of these thoughts so it’s my responsibility to guide them. Often, I’ll just state “sit down” and the thoughts quiet down. Try it sometime, you just might find it works!
So, here it is towards the end of February and I’m still feeling all these feels. In talking with my daughter, she wondered if I had the Winter Blues. This was a surprise to me as I hadn’t had them for years and so I upped my Vitamin D and almost immediately felt a slight relief. However, it was temporary.
There was also fear hanging around. I sat with the fear, asking about where it was coming from, what was the purpose and so on. I had a heck of a time trying to get an answer that made sense. The fear decided to answer me as I was driving to the office to meet up with a person I share reiki with. The fear said it was from when I was going to turn 30 years old and in the process of dissolving my marriage. My 30-year-old self “showed up”, and my body was remembering how scary that period of time was.
**TRIGGER WARNING FOR DOMESTIC ABUSE**
For those of you not aware. I was in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship/marriage from age 17 to age 30. My children were two and six in 1991. I was working as an office manager at a therapy office and it was there that I realized I was in an abusive marriage. Prior to this the control, verbal abuse, threats had been so normalized I didn’t know, very naïve and extremely gaslit. Also important to note, the physical abuse was a hit or shove here and there when we were arguing. Like I said, normalized it and denial.
I’ve done so much therapy and delving into that period of time, it somewhat surprised me when my 30-year-old self carrying fear showed up. The weather is also very similar to what we were experiencing in 1991. That can also be a trigger when needing to heal oneself.
My husband and I had been communicating, going to couples therapy (more for me to have him lean on someone else) and were in the process of selling the house. Things were heating up with the verbal abuse and threats. I was getting more scared, how am I going to do this, but I knew I had to leave and get out.
The culminating statement that made me get out NOW was the night of my 30th birthday and what I heard him say was, “When dogs or horses misbehave, you need to beat them and you are no different”. I wasn’t going to stay around and wait to be beaten. The fear that was flowing through my body not only that night, but for many years to come had come back to visit me in current time.
What I’ve learned, by sitting with this part of me, kindly and gently nudging my scared self to express herself is that she is tired of carrying all the fear. All those years of survival are ready to be released. My body is ready to release that fear also.
This morning, I sat in quietness, closed my eyes, did some deep breathing and connecting with the Universe energy. I took my time. Slowly, I could see in my minds eye, my 30-year-old self. I saw her in all her fear and yet, she had this determination and support from the non-physical to move forward. I sat with her, and told her how proud I am, how she was able to get out of a very horrible situation and make the changes she needed, regardless of how very difficult it was. I imagined being able to walk her through my apartment and take her to my office and show her my life now. How much I appreciate her bravery for releasing and letting go of a life that wasn’t for her anymore. I asked her to join me in current times and integrate with me. The fear that had been carried was dissolved and transmuted. I’m ready to be wholly present and to look forward with excited anticipation of good things to come.
