This is my story, told from my viewpoint and experience. I hope you find it interesting, humorous at times and most of all empowering for your own journey.
There’s a song by Carole King called, I’ve Been to Canaan that was on her Rhymes and Reasons LP that I received when I was in 5th grade. When I heard the lyrics, it resonated so deeply within my soul. These words are the ones that resonated the most:
Green fields and rolling hills
Room enough to do what we will
Sweet dreams of yestertime are running though my mind
Of a place I left behind, been so long, I can’t remember when
I’ve been to Canaan and I want to go back again
Been so long, I’m living till then
Cause I’ve been to Canaan and I won’t rest until
I go back again. Though I’m content with myself
Sometimes I long to be somewhere else
I try to do what I can, but with our day to day demands
We all need a promised land.
I knew I was not from here, that I came from someplace else out in the Universe and I longed to go back there. This place I recalled was the feeling of green fields and rolling hills and oh so wonderful memories. I yearned to go back there but I knew I needed to be here on earth. I didn’t know it then but I think there was an inkling there was something bigger I was supposed to be doing eventually. I listened to this song over and over in my bedroom, to the point that my mother (who had no idea why I played it so much) wanted to break the LP. I would sing it loud and cry, oh I would sob sometimes longing for this place.
I was raised Methodist in Watertown, South Dakota. Mom made sure my four siblings and I attended Sunday school and church every Sunday. She also sang in the church choir, and had each of us sing in the children’s choirs. I was active in the UMYF youth group, to the extent that I gave the Christmas Eve sermon at the age of 17. I also helped the minister sometimes on Sundays to lead the congregation. I also sat on the Decoration Committee, leading it at the age of 19, the Pastor Parish committee and other committees I don’t recall the names of. I taught bible school in the summer to children and also while living in Sioux Falls I taught adult education. I’d always had a strong relationship with God (I now call this the human god).
What is the human god? The human god is very judgmental and requires everyone to be perfect. His perfection is whatever he deems at the time and it is a moving target. No matter how hard I tried I could never live up to the expectations of this god and so I always fell short. This led me into feeling very depressed and negative about myself. I would have conversations with this human god and ask why was I created a female with fire, an opinion and passion if all I was supposed to do was have babies. It took until my mid to late 30’s to decide I didn’t believe in the human god anymore. Oh, you might think, Heidi, did you not have faith or believe in a higher power? Oh silly, I never lost my connection to source, to what I call All That Is. I just stopped believing the human god that was angry and taking its rath out on me.
I married at age 20 primarily because I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t have a clue how I would go and live on my own. He was concerned about appearances and was controlling, emotionally abusive and sometimes would hit me in the heat of an argument. He thought I was fat and would threaten to leave me if I didn’t lose weight. My biggest fear at the time was being alone, so it triggered me. I didn’t know at the time I was in an abusive relationship until the end of the marriage. Obviously there were many good times otherwise why would I have stayed? Two children were born during this marriage. We went through a lot. He was laid off from his manufacturing jobs so many times I lost count. I also lost my job when I was nine months pregnant because the owner couldn’t pay his staff. So we went through financial hard times, and also I had some health issues like pleurisy that lasted more than six months and back issues from having babies.
During this time I was aware of synchronicities. I would open my bible at random places and trust what I was reading was meant for me. When I was 29 I had a dream that was at a job I currently working at. The dream showed me a day that turned out horrible. The next day, that dream came true, and it freaked me out. I KNEW how it was going to unfold and tried to change the narrative and I couldn’t. It happened exactly the way my dream said it was. It was then I learned there was something bigger at play for me.
When I decided to get divorced there were so many things that fell into place, I had fought getting divorced because of the stigma associated with it and also my own internal fears. At age 30 I felt like the hand of god was on my back pushing me out but also reassuring me I would be okay.
Look for next weeks newsletter as I continue to share with you how I got to this place of being an energy healer.
