I was listening to the podcast Armchair Expert with guest Gabor Mate’ and a profound awareness came up. When I was a young child, around six years old, I was often being physically bullied by a male cousin. I went to my mother to try and get help, because I didn’t know how to get him to stop. Her response was something to the effect that I had to figure it out for myself. I walked away defeated and didn’t know what to do. I’m not blaming my mother for any of this, it was what felt right for her.
There are so many layers to this one experience and I’ve carried it all these years. I am digging in and really looking, connecting, feeling into this experience and how it shaped the way I view interactions and how I think. One of the things as an adult I needed to see was that at the age of six I did not have the tools to communicate or to be able to figure out how to create a boundary. I only went to my mother once regarding this situation, and I realize now, this stifled me. I didn’t try to speak up again, I silenced myself. I pulled away and determined that the only way to manage things was to be by myself and figure it out. This has been a lifelong way of dealing with stress, challenges and taking care of myself. I find it very difficult to ask for help. There is much more to this but I think you get the idea.
I now have a relationship that I am able to be vulnerable, to share my thoughts and at times, the obsessive thinking that kicks in, and know I am safe. This is a work in progress, ever growing and changing. My other relationships are slowly, and I mean, slowly being examined and worked on. There are many triggers and trauma that need healing and transmuting.
With vulnerability, we build empathy. We can let down our walls, understanding and sharing feelings easier, and encouraging others to do the same. In turn, we become more understanding, willing to forgive others and willing to give love to others.
In vulnerability though, we NEED boundaries. How often we open ourselves up to try and connect with others and throw out any idea of needing boundaries because we want to connect so badly. Sometimes people will take the vulnerability as an invitation to be mean, manipulative, lying, emotionally abusive. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and honor our feelings first. If we are not being treated the way we desire then we get to decide how or if we want this relationship. Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? We know it isn’t, especially when it comes to family or individuals, we don’t have a lot of choice whether they are in our lives or not. It’s hard work but worth it.
Are you willing to be vulnerable with yourself? To let down the walls that you’ve built to survive internally and discover the sweet, soft spots that are loving, kind, nurturing? You don’t have to be tough and hardened to navigate this world, there is a possibility to be vulnerable with boundaries allowing you to flourish, to be balanced and strong!
