I had a major shift in how I perceive this body when I was on the solo-retreat and also dealing with the bed bug “adventure” and I want to share it with you. Most of this is programming, of how these human bodies are supposed to look as a collective. It is time to dismantle the programming and embrace the diversity.
I remember being in first grade and hating this body. It was too big, pudgy, clothes never fit right, everything always felt tight, and I felt huge around others. Hate is a pretty strong word; however, I really truly did despise it. I’ve included a pic from my 6th or 7th birthday to see the difference I was in size. Looking back now, it’s just my makeup, how my body was created, but back then, it was difficult trying to see it that way.
By fifth grade, my mother and I went on a five-day diet. This was the one that you ate cottage cheese, peaches and melba toast for all three meals. We were going to lose five or ten pounds. That combination to this day, yuck! By eighth grade I weighed somewhere around 150 pounds. I wanted a boyfriend and the message was, to have a boyfriend, you have to be skinny. So, yep, you guessed it, I dieted, lost a bunch of weight, and by age 15 I had a boyfriend. Oh, how the mental games are played.
Here’s the interesting thing. While I’m talking about my weight, which has always been in the forefront of my mind, and most recently realized how prevalent weight and the judgement was in my family of origin, what hasn’t occurred to me is how my body has done everything I’ve needed it to.
Lift and move a 75-pound item, done. Clean the floor on my hands and knees, done. Carry groceries in five different bags, up ten steps and through a door, done. In my younger years, carry a child, hold onto the toddler’s hand and carry bags, done. It’s shown up for me in so many ways physically and to some degree, I’ve not given it a second thought.
Most recently, on my retreat, and this is a funny, I accidentally locked myself out of the cabin the first night. Oops.
The key, my phone and the keys to the car were all inside. Luckily my car wasn’t lock and I was able to grab tools to help me remove the screen. What I love about this body, is that I stood on the picnic table, stepped in backwards with my left leg, was agile enough to pull my right leg into the window, and while I got hung up for a little bit on my lower belly fat in the windowsill, I eventually was able to get on the other side on the couch and get in!! Wow was my thought! This 63-year-old body showed up for me!! I was able to do all that! (side note, I put the key back in the lock box so I didn’t have to test myself again).
Saturday morning, July 6th I found myself preparing for the bed bug exterminator to come in as soon as I was able to get everything prepped. My body showed up. Think of it this way, it’s 9:30am and you are told you have to move out within seven hours and nothing can be put in boxes, everything of fabric, curtains, linens, all clothing including in the dresser and closet have to be put in black bags and immediately removed. All pillows, rugs, etc. also have to be put in black bags. Everything needs to be hand vacuumed including the mop boards. I did all of this in six hours. AND, I didn’t have any pain, no back pain, no joints hurting! The whole week following I didn’t have any pain either.
It was during this time period I realized that this body of mine, that does have extra fat, shows up and does what is required. The programming that I received as a young girl from my family of origin, marketing, magazines, the collective and so much more is just that, programming, a belief. Well, I no longer believe that I need to dress a certain way so that others don’t feel uncomfortable, that I have to dress to look thin, that I don’t have to hate this body for not looking the way that others say it should. I get to be grateful for every ancestor that was larger that survived and thrived through the most difficult times because I am able to be here thriving myself.
I am still working through the belief system, for the most part I’ve knocked a lot of it down and embracing who and what this body is. I also follow some accounts on Instagram that have helped me to realize that this is my body and I get to dress it any way I WANT TO.
It is important to me to share this awareness and journey of mine. It goes very deep and I continue to let this body and myself know that I am loved for being ME, not for the way I look but for simply being me.
How does your body show up for you? It’s heard all the ways it doesn’t show up, how about acknowledging the ways it does? You realize you are still living? Silly, you are reading this right now! What a great way to have gratitude for your body!
