At the 2nd Saturday Connection gathering we were talking about a variety of things, which often happens, and the subject of being an empath was swirling around. Little did I know that the following week it would come even more into my awareness and experience.
One of the things that I know is that I don’t like getting touched. I knew it had something to do with being an empath but didn’t realize how much until yesterday. I like hugs, most of the time, because I know they are coming. It’s the rub or pat on the back, the touching of my arm or leg that gets me.
Being an empath, when I receive a touch, regardless if it’s out of empathy or anger, that I’m not expecting, I am triggered. I shut down and become numb. Recently, I’ve delved a bit more into this and I think I shut down because the senses that I’m receiving from the giver are overwhelming. I’m not just receiving their intention of touching but all of their information and energy of what is going on inside of them all in one big motion.
It’s been said to me in not such a nice way, oh, that’s right, you don’t like to be touched. You are so sensitive. When I’ve asked people to stop touching/patting me, I get a look and sometimes a terse comment. I am literally trying not to explode inside when I finally find my voice to ask them to stop.
In talking with my good friend, Jessica, she held space for me to heal and found that starting at least at the age of two I felt unsafe. There was also a sense of having the back of my neck grabbed at times and also my arm. Which felt right, because I also don’t like heavy things around my neck, it hurts the back of it.
Along with this discovery, I also was able to connect with the bullying that occurred throughout my childhood from my male cousin. He would beat up or hit me a large amount of the time. In first grade, the teacher thought it would be cute to put the cousins together. He would threaten to hit me if I didn’t let him have what he wanted. He got away with it because “boys will be boys”. I was told to be nice and to stop tattle telling. I was also bullied during a recess time in kindergarten by a boy. We were left alone in the class room when everyone else was outside. The teacher happened to walk in when he was bullying me and the boy got in trouble.
I was feeling off the other day when all of this was bubbling just under the surface. I didn’t know or understand what was going on I just felt off. I also was invited to a drum circle that night and while a part of me really didn’t want to go because I wouldn’t be “happy go lucky Heidi” that people have gotten used to, I knew it was important to the host that I be there. So, I decided to stay in my authentic self and went. Everyone that attended knew something was off with me. I had decided many,many years ago to stop bringing out the masks that I used to use on a regular basis. You know the ones, when you are emotionally in so much pain, but you put on the happy face, as if nothing is wrong in your world. The one that makes sure that every one else feels comfortable even though inside you feel like crumbling. It was the next morning that I woke up with serious chest congestion and a need to dive deep into what was going on. I opened my heart to see what was going on.
I have been able to connect on so many levels the above insight of how I live my life and what makes me, well, me.
Now, many of you will not have a clue what I am writing about. You may find yourself chuckling and thinking, wow, how do I even understand this? There may be many judgments that come to mind to state about me. That’s okay. I’m glad you don’t know what it’s like to be an empath or a highly sensitive empath. You have other gifts that you may see as gifts or curses.
All of these things have come forward for me to heal and make connections as to my thinking, feeling, and being that I have today. I am still open to the pieces and spaces to be healed within. My thoughts, feelings, emotions are bubbling to the surface daily and I GET to replace what was hurt and broken with light and love. I GET to love myself more, I GET to allow more light and higher vibrating energy into my experience. I GET to heal, whatever heal looks like to me.
The February 2nd Saturday Connection will be a discussion on being an empath, how to see it as a gift, how to nurture and most of all how to embrace being one! I hope to see you there!
